


I'm Sorry That I Love You

by GhostingOverTheKeys



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gay Male Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 06:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8654971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostingOverTheKeys/pseuds/GhostingOverTheKeys
Summary: V and Zack Rein (Male MC) have moved in with each other after the RFA party, as friends. Zack is happy with his life and enjoys the days he spends with V. Even if it's a bit painful...because he loves him. And he knows V would never return the affections. "I'm sorry that I love you."





	1. Chapter 1

Zack opened the door to his new apartment and carefully balanced four paper bags and a grocery bag that was beginning to turn his index finger purple onto the counter.

“Hah…” He let’s out a loud gasp as he puts the food on the counter. “Geez. Think I overdid it with the shopping?” He says to himself.

“Yup.”

“Holy fu-“ Zack spins around to see V leaning against the wall with a smile of his face. “You!… V how long have you been there?”

“Long enough to see your face get all red as you tried to put all that stuff on the counter.”

“You could’ve helped you know…”

“I know.” He walks forward and starts to take out the groceries. “It was just too funny not to watch. In fact.” He pulls up his phone.

“You took a picture?” Zack sighs as he puts the oranges in the fruit bowl.

V starts to laugh as he looks at the photo and shows Zack. Sure enough his face is all red, his cheeks are puffed out, and he looks like he walks with bricks in his pants. Zack can’t help but laugh with V. He looked pretty ugly in the photo but it was pretty funny. “Well I’m glad my tomato face pleases you.”

“T-tomato face! Yeah you do look like a tomato pfft ha ha ha.”

Zack smiled fondly. It was rare for it to happen but when V laughed it was as if all the fear Zack harbored  melted away. This relationship was complicated. After his first RFA party Zack and V had accumulated quite the friendship. They trusted each other and told each other, privately, their biggest fears. They both agreed that they would live together, in V’s apartment, and be there for each other. As friends. Except only V saw their relationship as a friendship.

For Zack however, it was painful. He loved V, romantically, but he never dared to tell him. What if that ruined their relationship? The person he only knew for 11 days, the person he knew was his soulmate, had sold his soul to someone else. Someone Zack could never be. He watched from afar as V dealt with his pain for Rika. He sat there comforting V when he cried for his lost love and Zack sat there digging his nails into his skin trying to stay strong. Then they would say goodnight, V would always say “I wish I didn’t bring nothing but sadness to you”, and in his room Zack cried. He cried that the person he loved would never love him back. That the person that he loved only thought of himself as a burden. But that was okay. Just being by his side was all he needed.

“I’m sending it to Luciel.”

Zack tossed rolled bread at him. “Don’t. He’ll show it to everyone else. He’ll make it both his profile and banner photo. His caption will be something like, ‘ERROR Human tomato attacking town.’ Or something.”

“Ha ha! He will!”

Later that evening V went on a walk to take some local photos as Zack stayed behind to cook some dinner. Normally they went together talking about their surroundings or their day or something Jumin said about his cat. V was pretty good at impersonating him. He looked around the apartment. V’s photo’s were pinned all over the wall, in fact most of the things in the house were V’s. Zack liked displaying V’s things photo’s. V had a real talent for this and each one moved any person who looked at them. Normally when he looked at V’s photos he felt this overwhelming feeling of calmness and love. Except for one. One that was displayed in V’s room.

It made him feel angry, pissed, and jealous. Zack wanted to destroy it. Burn it and throw the ashes into the wind. But what kind of friend would he be if he did that. Friend. “Ow!” He looked down to see he had cut his finger. The blood poured out onto the white cutting board. “Dammit.” He ran into his bathroom. “Bandages, bandages. Where are they?” He sighed and ran into V’s bathroom happy to find anti-bacterial, water resistant, with extra aloe oil band aids.  “Always prepared.” Zack chuckled as he cleaned off the blood and wrapped his finger with a blue bandage.

 He walked out into V’s room and froze. There it was. A picture of Rika wearing a blue dress with a blue sunhat and sunflowers’s in her hay colored hair. Zack stared at it picking up the photo and staring at her face. She was beautiful. She had a kind smile. She looked like she told the funniest stories and care for every person she met. This photo that V would smile at before he left the ouse. This photo that he looked at first thing in the morning and was the last thing he saw at night. This photo that he cried over whenever he told Zack about his pain. This photo that he cherish-

RIPRIP  
RIPRIP  
RIPRIP

Zack’s hands started to shake as he realized to late on what he had done. “Fuck…” His eyes were watering. On the floor were shreds of the photo. Torn so finely you couldn’t even put it back together if you tried. He collapsed like a rag doll onto the hard wood. “Oh my god…” He brought his trembling hands to his head. “What…did I just do?” He felt panic run up his neck. “Oh fuck…god why…why did I do that?!” His eyes were burning as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. This was…the last photo V had taken himself of Rika. One that hadn’t been destroyed.

The front door unlocked and Zack felt his stomach tighten. “I’m home.” V’s gentle voice called out. “Zack?”

 _No…don’t say my name. It sounds so caring from you. I’m the worst. I’m a monster._ He heard footsteps and then something plastic fell to the floor. Zack couldn’t look up. He just stared at the ripped up photo, in complete disbelief for what he’d done. His whole body was shaking and he moved to his knees hugging himself in a sort of upward fetal position. Strangled sobs were being choked out as Zack tried to apologize. The footsteps grew closer.

 _Yell at me! Hit me! Throw me out! Please just say something to me!_ V had dropped to his knees. _Just say something to me!_ He squeezed his eyes shut and waited…

V moved and suddenly his arms were around Zack’s shaking body. “It’s okay…” V said soothingly. “I know… I know why you did it.” Zack gasped his eyes watering more as he looked at V. He was gently smiling, his teal colored eyes looking straight into Zack’s blurry blue ones. “I must have angered you whenever I talked about her. The things I said made you see that I was suffering. You were just trying to protect me. I’m sorry I did this to you.” V’s voice was so caring and forgiving. Zack choked back another sob.

No…I didn’t do this because I was hurt for you. I did this out of jealousy because I-

“I’m not mad Zack. I want you to know that.” He petted his hair gently. “It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to feel bad.”

It’s okay to cry… _I want to cry so badly_. Zack put his arms around V. It hurt. It hurt so much to hold him like this. He wanted to tell him how much he cared. How much he cherished his presence. But the only thing that came out were loud sobs as his body shook in anger and sorrow.

“V…” Zack mumbled. _I’m sorry that I love you._


	2. I'm Sorry That I Love You: 2

Zack slowly pulled away from V, if he held on anymore he’d never want to let go. V smiled, his turquoise eyes showed nothing but love and care. Zack picked up the pieces sniffing. Love that wasn’t going to be towards him. Why did this happen? Why did V and him get along so well? Why did he have to harbor these painful feelings towards him?

That wasn’t fair. V picked up one of the pieces with Rika’s smile. He clenched it in his hands and brought it to his heart. Zack watched. Though they were sitting right next to each other it felt like they were miles apart. He looked away, his heart tightening as this painful grip squeezed around it. Choking it. Zack held the pieces in his hand. V seemed to have said a little prayer before he slowly opened his eyes.

“Please don’t look so sad.” He smiled at Zack kindly. “I’m not mad at you.”

“…”

“Here.” He watched as V put the little shred of photo in his wallet for safe keeping. “I bought us cake. Something sweet for dinner. It’s a little broken, heh, but I think it’ll still suffice.” He looked back at Zack. “Right?”

Zack forced a smile. “Yes. That’ll be good.”

“Good.” V smiled back. He stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Zack clutched the pieces in his hands and put them in his pocket. He’d throw them out later. “Ah the food smells good.” V called from the kitchen as Zack slowly made his way in. “What’s this? Blood?” He looked up. “Did you hurt yourself?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Please, don’t apologize. Let me see.”

“It’s really nothing. Just a cut.”

“Let me see.” V grabbed Zack’s hands.

 _No…please don’t touch me._ His hands were warm and soft. They moved delicately over Zack’s skin as he carefully pulled off the band aid. _Don’t…don’t…I want to hold you so badly._

“Ouch. That looks bad.”

“Yeah. Wasn’t paying attention when I was cutting the food.”

“Please, Zack, be more careful. I can’t have my favorite person getting hurt.”

“…” Zack smiled. A broken, hurtful smile. He was happy V didn’t notice as he went back to his room to get more band aids.

__

They ate in silence but it didn’t feel awkward, just…heavy. V happily opened up the cake, marble cake is what he had chosen, with vanilla icing and light chocolate shavings on the top. “Want a cherry?” V asked as he cut the non mushed up parts.

“No…that’s okay.”

“Really? You love those cherries.”

“So do you.”

“Oh? You remembered?”

 _Of course I did._ “Yeah, since you wouldn’t stop talking about it when we had Shirley Temples.”

“Oh yes, I remember that.” V smiled at the the thought. “Hyun was teasing us for drinking what was considered a woman drink. You took your’s virgin right?”

“Yeah…I don’t really like alcohol. I don’t like what it does to people.”

“A wise choice. I rarely drink myself, mostly at the RFA parties and with Jumin. He called by the way. Wanted me to take some pictures of Elizabeth 3rd.”

“Are you going to?”

“I will. He’s my friend.” V smiled.

“Don’t…show that smile to him.”

“What?” V stopped dividing the maraschino cherries.

“!?” He didn’t mean to say it out loud. “I meant, don’t…uh…don’t let him drag it out to long. When it comes to El he’s pretty hardcore.”

He arched a brow but didn’t press on it. “Yes, he loves her very much.” There was a pause and Zack feared that V was going to bring up Rika. “I suppose he’ll buy more bows for her.” He handed Zack a plate. “The last one was almost 30k.”

Zack coughed. “What was it made of? The tears of the poor.”

“Ha ha! Zack don’t say that.” V grinned. “…I’m…glad we’re talking.”

“Huh?”

“You were so quiet when we were cooking. And before that you were very short with me. I know you are feeling bad but I hate it most when you don’t talk to me.”

Zack suddenly didn’t feel like having cake. “Me too.” He forced himself to swallow a cherrie. It didn’t even taste like anything to him.

**_____**

Night fell and the two stayed up for a while watching Cupcake Wars. They didn’t admit it to each other but they both seemed to like it. V yawned. “I need to get up early if I want to take some photos of the sunrise on the lake tomorrow. Would you like to come?”

“Sure.”

“Good.” V smiled. “Then may I wake you up?”

“Um sure.” Zack figured he could just put on an alarm. Did V not trust him to wake up on his own?

“Alright. Good night Zack.”

“Night.” Zack changed the channel to some detective show. Was he looking over at where the picture used to be? Was he secretly angry at Zack for what he’d done? Of course he was who wouldn’t be? He destroyed something precious to him all because, he thought Zack was mad at Rika for what she had done. And he was. He secretly hated her, even though he knew what she was like in the past he still hated her. No…he was jealous that she met V before Zack did.

Rika was sick and what she did was wrong but he couldn’t get mad at her when she had major mental health problems. And the only person who knew was V. And he paid the price. Zack clenched his hands together. The TV started spouting some stupid commercial. “Shut up.” He mumbled as he turned it off.

He got up and went into his room. Sitting at his desk he took the ripped up pieces of Rika’s photo and tossed them into the trash…

…

He picked up the metal can and dumped it onto his desk. He opened his drawer and pulled out some white paper and tape.

**___**

It was nearly 5 in the morning. V was already dressed and had made coffee for the two. He held Zack’s mug in his hand and gently knocked on the door. “Zack?” He whispered. No reply.

Slowly he nudged the door open. Zack never locked his doors. Including the apartment door, V always had to double check before they went to sleep. “Zack?” He saw the young man sleeping on his desk. Why’d he do that? Was he working on something? V placed the cup down and looked at the paper that was placed neatly on one side of the corner.

“!”  On the table was the picture Zack had torn up. It was a bit messy but to V it looked like a beautiful mosaic. It seemed Zack had colored in the lines that didn’t connect quite right with pastel coloring pencils. On the top of the page it read:

I’m So Sorry. Please Don’t Hate Me.

V smiled. And petted Zack’s hair.

Zack clenched his fist. _Don’t…please…_

 _“_ Thank you.” V whispered gently thinking the younger man was still asleep. The door closed gently behind him. Zack sat up looking at where the paper once was. He touched his hair, a warmth had spread from where V had touched him. Zack laid his head on the cold table before sitting up and rubbing his face.

_It’s time to put an end to these feelings._


	3. I'm Sorry That I Love You: 3

Around twenty minutes later V had come back into Zack’s room. “Za- Oh I’m sorry.”

Zack was putting on his shirt when V walked in. “It’s fine. Not like I’m completely naked.”

“No. But I should’ve knocked.”

Zack chuckled as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head. “Not like it matters. You knock like a ghost.”

“What? Is it really that soft?”

“Sometimes I think you’re trying to catch me changing.”

“Ha ha, why would I do that? I guess I should learn to knock louder.” He pulled the door halfway closed and nearly pounded on the door. “Like this?”

“Yeah, now just add ‘this is the police! Come out with your hands up.’”

“Ha ha, I guess I have a knocking problem. I’ll work on that. Are you ready?”

“Yeah. And thanks for the coffee.”

“No need. You’re not really a morning person.”

Zack chuckled as he grabbed his keys.

“Oh?” V smirked. “Are you actually going to lock the door for once? Or is that just for show?”

“What? I always lock the door.”

V gave him a look.

“Okay. So we both have door problems.” The two laughed as the left the house. V made sure to instruct Zack how to lock doors. Zack knocked on the neighbors door and the two quickly ran down the hallway before they could get caught.

_________

The park was mostly barren with only a few runners here and there. Zack stuffed his hands into his hoodie pocket and watched as V took pictures. In all honesty Zack only tagged along just to watch him work. V thought Zack liked going on the trips and seeing all the locations that V went to in the surrounding area, and yeah that was fun but more importantly he just wanted to be with him. He shook his head. He needed to stop having these feelings. Easier said then done. Maybe he’d slowly drift away? That was painful to think. But it was even more painful to stay.

“Zack?” V called out.

“Huh?”

“Daydreaming?” He smiled.

“Something like that.”

“C’mon, I’m going to get a shot from over here.”

“Sure thing.” They walked closer to the edge of the lake. “Careful, it’s a bit iced over.”

“Mm.” V mumbled as he focused on his camera. Guess he wasn’t listening. V edged forward a bit more. “!?”

“Watch out!” Zack grabbed V by the arm and pulled him towards him. The two fell backwards right into a soft patch of grass…with some rocks. “Ugh…ow… V are you okay?”

“Y-yes. Are you Zack?”

“Yeah.” Zack looked up. “!” Dammit. He was so close, V looking down at him in concern. “Y-you’re camera okay?”

“Yes thankfully.” V still hadn’t gotten up as he looked at his camera. _Please get off of me._ “What had you said before I fell?” V sat up straddling Zack for a split second before getting off of him. He reached out a hand to help him up.

Zack took it. “I said watch out.”

“No before that.”

“Oh, to be careful because the ground was a bit iced over.”

“Yes…I should’ve listened to you more. I’m sorry. Ha ha,” V grinned, “I’m so glad you’re here with me.” _It’s time to end these feelings._ “If you hadn’t been there I would’ve —mmph?!” Zack had grabbed V by the face and pressed his lips against V’s.

_My god what the hell am I doing!? Stop! Stop it!?You fucking dumbass don’t you understand he only sees you as a friend. Damn you! Damn you!_ Zack pulled him closer. He felt his tears running down his face. God it felt so good and yet he felt so guilty and hurt. Zack pulled away. “I-I’m so sorry…” He took a step back.

For once V looked completely shocked. He just stood there, one had over his lips. This wasn’t how Zack wanted it to go but it was now or never.

“I’m so sorry. I just…I just… I’m in love with you!” He brought his hand to his face trying to hide the fact he was crying. “…I…have to go.”

“Zack wait.” V grabbed his arm. “Wait…I…don’t know what to say.”

There was a long pause. They both stood there staring at each other. “Just tell me what you think.” Zack’s heart was pounding so loud he was sure V could hear it. Again with another long pause. V stared at him intently. One had ghosted over his lips then his hand touched his jacket pocket. He was considering something and Zack felt himself growing more and more anxious.

“…I…I’m sorry but I…can’t love you back.”

Zack felt something inside of him break. “R-right. Ha ha ha… That was so stupid of me. Ha ha… I sh-shouldn’t’ve…I’m an idiot.” Zack looked away. He forced himself to smile and looked up at V. Damn it… I can’t hide the tears. “I’m sorry I kissed you. That was very inconsiderate of me.” He turned around wiping his face. His chest felt as if it were collapsing in on him.

“Zack wait.”

“I forgot. I have a paper due. I need to get home.”

“Please I-“

“See you!” Zack broke into a sprint. The relief of finally telling him never hit. In fact he felt nothing but regret. _He’ll never look at me the same again…he’ll stay away because he’ll think he’s hurting me. I’m so dumb. So dumb. Why…why!? Why was I even hopeful for him to say he loved me back._

_That was stupid of me._

_I’m sorry that someone like me…loves you._


	4. I'm Sorry That I Love You: 4

Zack took a sip of his coffee and rubbed his temples. He was hiding out in one of his favorite coffee shops downtown near his college. Well, he wasn’t exactly hiding. He secretly knew he came here hoping that V would look here first and talk to him. He tapped his fingers against the table as he watched the onslaught of people grow as 8:00 reached. Time for everyone to go to work. Zack had been sitting here for nearly three hours.

_He’ll come here and find me. He will…_ another hour passed. Zack rested his head in his hands. _He’ll rush in and change his mind. He’ll give us a chance._ Another hour then another. _He’s…not gonna show up is he?…_ There was a lurch in his chest. How foolish to think that he could replace Rika. The manager and waiters were giving him a look of sympathy as if he had been stood up. Maybe, technically he had. Zack stood up, his legs popping from staying still for so long. _You’re pathetic. You waited here all this time and for what? A sore back and stiff legs._

Zack put his tip on the table and left the building. He looked at his phone. No call. No text. He was almost angry. He wanted V to at least call. To say he… Zack stopped. _How selfish am I? I wanted him to call only to say he wanted to give it a chance. Nothing more. Nothing less._ He watched as a couple walked by. The girl giggled as the guy wrapped an arm around her.

“You’re so cute and small Rina.”

“Oh stop!”

“You’re such a pretty girl.”

Heh…a girl. Would he have accepted me if I was a woman? He looked at his reflection in the window. He touched his face and slowly he traced his fingers over his Adam’s apple. _Yeah. No hiding that I’m most definitely a guy._ He looked up into the clouding winter sky. _Why hadn’t God made me a woman? Would I even have a chance? If I knew V first would he love me? Or was Rika that special?_

“Ugh!” H smacked his cheeks trying to wake himself up. “I need to stop wallowing and go do something else!”

##  **v^v^v^v**

“Hey Zack! Come on in!”

“Thanks Hyun.”

“So, what made you call all of a sudden?”

“No reason. Just wanted to hang out. It’s been awhile.”

Hyun opened his fridge and pulled out two beers. “Oh wait…you don’t drink. Well I don’t have much I could-“

“Just give it here.”

“Really?”

“I’ll be fine Hyun.” Zack took the can and opened it with a loud _PTSS_. He watched as the cream colored foam fizzed out the top then bubbled back into the liquid courage. “So, how’s acting?”

“Pretty good. I got a new lead—ahem _lead role—_ in a _broadway_ play.”

Zack smiled. “Great job!” They fist bumped. “Damn! I’ll have to go see it!”

“I’ll get you and V tickets.”

Zack frowned. “What makes you think I wanna go with him?”

Hyun stopped drinking midway. “Huh? Well I mean you two do everything together.”

Zack forced out a roar of laughter. “Pfft Yeah right. And besides, we have our own lives. Ones where you leave the other out of it.” He felt the can dent in his hand. _Stop it! You’re acting like a damn child. Just keep talking and have a good time._ “Ahem. So uh how’ve you been after the party?”

“Good! Thanks for asking. I ran into a model agency and I also got a job to be a model in a book signing and…” He smiled big. “Next year, I’m going to be in a Historical drama TV show!”

Zack nearly choked on his beer. “Wow! You’re going to be on TV? Holy shit Hyun you’re full of accomplishments today!”

“I know! After the party I saw myself in the mirror and I just knew that I had been glowing. Practically sparkling where ever I go!” He gave a breathy laugh.

“Right, okay Cullen calm down.”

“Ha ha! I’m not THAT bad.”

The two laughed and talked about random topics and the RFA itself. It seemed Hyun knew to avoid talking about V. Good. The further he pushed down the pain the better.

##  ***^*^*^*^*^***

Night had fallen. Hyun looked over at Zack worried as he downed another can of beer. “Are you sure you should opening another one? That makes eight cans already.”

“Whaaat?” Zack looked up and sniffed. “I’m fine! I’ll compa- compen- compensate you later.” He hiccuped as he downed another full can gasping as a huge grin plastered his face.

“Shit.” Hyun mumbled as he put his phone away.

“Whaddya doin’ ova there?”

“…I’m trying to call V.”

Zack froze and frowned deeply. “Whaddya doin’ that for?”

“Zack I need help taking you home.”

“Home?! He doesnn wan me there.”

“What makes you say that?” Hyun tilted his head as his soft silver hair, that he had let down, gently swayed under the air conditioner.

“I told ‘im that I *hiccup* lub ‘im. And he rejected me. Says he ain’t gonna lub me back.” Zack felt his body slump forward and quickly he snapped himself back nearly falling back onto the floor.

Hyun stayed silent for a long time. “You love him?”

“I do…I lu-lo-love him sooooo much.” He circled his arms in the air trying to show how much he cared. “But he ain’t gonna get rid of ‘er.”

Hyun swallowed. He looked away and drummed his fingers against the table. “You really were too kind to him. I always thought…you two had something special. I saw how you looked at him, watching with this look on your face.”

Zack looked at Hyun and narrowed his eyes. “Well aren’t you the king of relationships. Got the looks and the knowledge eh?” Zack scoffed and reached out for another beer. “It was hopeless.” He rested his head on his arm as he spun another empty can around on the table. “To hopeless. I ruined it. I was just happy to be there by his side and I got too greedy. Now look at what I’ve done.” He groaned as his head started to pound. “I’m draggin’ you into it and worst is I insulted ya like a douche.”

Hyun frowned and flipped open his phone. He started calling someone else. “Hey. Trust Fund. Think you can get your driver to take Zack over to V’s? …. What? He just left from there? … Yeah. Contact V and tell him Zack’s drunk……Seriously! It’s not my fault!…Ugh! Can you do it or not?…Good.” Hyun sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Honestly. Why do you have to be so damn difficult all the time?…No I don’t want to see that cat’s pictures….No! Don’t put them on the RFA! You’ll kick up my allergies!…I said no!—what the? He hung up on me!” Hyun looked at Zack who was resting his head on his arms sleeping.

##  **V^V^V^V^V^V**

There was a knock on the door. V had just gotten off the phone with Jumin hearing that Zack had drank too much. _That boy…I hope he’s okay. Jumin didn’t say where he was or who was bringing him. What if he was at some bar and someone tried to mug him? Or what if some person tried to take advantage of him?_

V opened the door to see Hyun holding him up by shoulder and belt loop. “Hey.” He said flatly.

“Hand him to me.” They shifted Zack into V’s arms.

“He just needs rest. He drank at least 10 cans.”

“Why would you let him drink so much?!”

“I normally wouldn’t but he seemed like he needed it. Plus I eventually stared giving the light stuff.” Hyun looked at V directly in the eye. So he knew what had happened. “What are you going to do about him?”

“…I gave him…an answer.”

“A proper one?”

“…”

“You need to tell him exactly what you feel. You’re too kind and it’s leading him on. V, haven’t you noticed those sorrowful looks he gives you?”

V widened his eyes. “What?”

“He always looks so sad and hurt when you look or talk about Rika. He looks like his heart is shattering and your the one who keeps breaking it. You need to properly tell him what you think. Or else…you could really hurt his feelings. I’m not trying to reprimand you, I just… Zack’s my friend too. I hate to see him get hurt day after day. I don’t want you to loose such a good friend.” Hyun rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “Do you need help putting him to bed?”

“…No I got it.”

“Okay. I’m calling you both tomorrow okay?”

“Yes, Hyun, thank you for caring. And for telling me…” V glanced at Zack’s sleeping face.

“Right. Get good sleep.”

“You to. Get home safely. Text me when you are.”

“Right.”

V closed the door and carried Zack to his bedroom.

_‘Haven’t you noticed the sorrowful looks he gives you? He looks like his heart is shattering and your the one who keeps breaking it.’_ V reached out to pet Zack’s hair and then froze. _Why do I keep trying to touch him?_ He rubbed his eyes and sighed as he watched the younger man snore softly.

_I can’t… I can’t hurt someone I care about again. I won’t turn a blind eye to your sadness like I did…like I did to my beloved…_ V clutched his heart. _I won’t hurt you Zack, I won’t ever let myself do that to you._ V smiled painfully. “I cherish you too much Zachary. You don’t deserve this.”

^V^V^V^V^V^

Zack awoke the next morning with a massive hangover. “Shit…where am I?” He looked around to see he was in his room. “How?” Suddenly the memories of the kiss and going to Hyun’s house resurfaced in his mind. “Crap!” Zack jumped out of bed ignoring the pounding headache and nauseous feeling in his throat. “V!?” Zack ran into the living room and froze.

…

…

Why…?

Zack picked up a note on the counter.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so much. Please forgive me. The apartment is yours Zack.”

He looked at the barren walls, the empty shelves, and V’s empty room. Only one picture was left behind. A picture of V and him smiling under a fully bloomed cherry blossom tree. On the back it said, ‘ _He doesn’t like taking pictures. But he has such a beautiful and joyous smile. Thank you Zack’_

Zack fell to his knees clutching the picture. He didn’t even cry. He couldn’t. The only thing he felt was his body falling into a deep void.

_Why would you hurt me so much? How cruel… Three stupid words; one stupid action… Why did I have to fall in love with you?_


	5. I'm Sorry That I Love You: Final

It had been at least a month, in America his parents were preparing themselves to celebrate Thanksgiving. How the house was always warm and smelled of baked goods. The apartment was empty and cold, the only room that even looked remotely lived in was the living room. Zack couldn’t find comfort on his bed and the couch at least faced the TV. He didn’t know how many hours he would spend at night just staring at the programs barely registering anything. 

He would hold his phone tightly in his hand as he waited for _him_ to be in the chat. When V had left he had completely disconnected himself from Zack and only Zack. He changed his number and only Seven and Jumin knew it. He’d given Hyun a spare key to his apartment, Jaehee a copy of some health records for her to log into the RFA archives, and Yoosung Zack’s schooling schedule.

He didn’t get what that all meant? Was V worried he’d do something? Well…he couldn’t deny for the first three days all he did was just sit in V’s room and stare at the now barren walls. It was Hyun and Yoosung who finally forced him to go out and eat with them. After that life just became this thing that he did. Every morning he’d wake up at around 5 and go to the park. He’d sit at the lake where V had almost fallen in and would watch the sunrise. Then he’d make his way to his favorite coffee shop and wait. He’d pray that V would run in and tell him he’s home and he won’t ever leave again. After that he would wander around town or head to class. In the evenings he went to a bar and would converse with a man. The man was trying to pick him up, he knew that, but at least it was someone to talk too. Then he’d go home, sleep, and repeat the process.

It was nearly midnight and the all the late night shows were playing reruns. He turned over to face the back of the couch and closed his eyes. This apartment was so lonely and yet he couldn’t leave. A small part of him wanted to believe he’d come back. He’d walk through those doors and come back.

**^V^V^V^V^V**

Valentines was just around the corner and the smell of dark chocolate was in the air. “So? You and Zack gonna throw a Valentine’s party at your place Dae?” One of Dae’s friends asked as Dae slung an arm around Zack’s shoulders and kissed his forehead.

“We’re thinking about it.”

“Yup.” Zack smiled weakly as he sipped his coffee.

“Shit. Boss sure does put the burden on you guys a lot.”

Dae shrugged. “He just thinks it’ll be killer because I’m gay.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Really though, I think he knows it makes him look better when he’s so ‘generous’ to ask me to host it at my house.” Dae scoffed.

The two chatted about work as Zack stared into the dark liquid of his coffee. He was here, dating a man named Dae Hwa, because everyone had told him it was time to move on. So he talked more with to the guy at the bar and after New Year’s they were together. Zack rubbed his thumb over the edge of his coffee mug and sighed.

“Anything wrong?”

“No.” Zack looked up and smiled. No _everything_ was wrong. Zack had locked up the apartment and was now living with Dae. And Dae was a nice man. He told funny jokes, he had a nice job, he played cool video games, there was noting wrong with him. But all of this, was just…a routine. Zack still went to the park and never told Dae the real reason why. He walked to his favorite coffee shop and waited outside the building for exactly twenty minutes. Then his life went on.

“So what do you think?”

Zack blinked. “A-about what?”

“Heh heh,” Dae ruffled his hair, “I knew you weren’t listening.” Zack refocused his eyes, even Dae’s friend was gone. “You feeling okay?”

Zack nodded. “Yup. Just a weird day I guess.”

Dae gave him a sad smile and the two enjoyed people watching.

What was the RFA doing? He didn’t really know, no one had really talked since New Year’s. They were still working working on getting another party done but he figured things were just busy. Besides, Zack was a bit pissed at Jumin and Seven. They talked to _him_ all the time, he knew since they said so in the chat. And whenever he asked they just said “he’s in a place with no reception” or “he’s too busy,” or nothing at all. He stopped asking at around Christmas. V didn’t want anything to do with him? Fine.

“So I think we should go to the store. See what they’re selling for the party.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Zack smiled as they got up. “Ah wait.” Zack felt his phone buzzing. “Hello?” Oh… it was the landlord. Zack was selling the apartment. He wasn’t using it anymore and besides it only held painful memories. “Right. I’ll be there soon….Right.” He hung up. “I gotta head back to my old apartment and sign some papers.”

“Okay.” Dae kissed him on the lips. “Then,” he gently put his index finger on Zack’s lips slowly tracing them, _Oh.. I guess he wants to do when I get back_ , “I’ll see you at home.”

Zack smiled and nodded. He really didn’t want to. He never really did. Shoving his hands into his jacket pocket he turned his body away from the cold and made his way to the apartment.

**~_~_~_~_~**

“Just give me a sec. I forgot something.” The landlord waddled down the stairs.

Zack unlocked the door and peered in. Yup, empty. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Maybe all the pictures would be back up, the smell of something delicious cooking, the quiet sound of the TV and his light chuckle as he greeted Zack with a smile. Such a silly wish.

He walked in and looked at the barren walls, the empty cupboards and shelves, the beds with no bedsheets, the fridge with no food. There was only one thing in here that didn’t fit. A card. Did someone come in here? Maybe the landlord was looking around and put down a flier for buyers.

On the front of the card was a picture of a sunrise reflecting over a lake. He flipped it over.

_‘The sunrise you watch everyday. I watch with you as well. I should have never left. When I realized what I was feeling you had already moved on. I had hurt you so much and, please believe me when I say this, it brings me happiness when I see that you are not suffering anymore. Please forgive me, and please forget me._

_—V’_

“I got it.” The landlords heavy footsteps walked in. “Oh? Something wrong? You’re shaking an awful lot.”

Zack clutched the paper to his chest. “Has…” He took a shaky breath trying to calm the fear and anger rising inside him. “Has…someone been here recently?”

“Oh? You mean the shareholder to this apartment? Yeah just last week. He completely dropped his name entirely from the contract. That’s why I called you when I did.”

“L-last week?” _No…No! I missed him! I missed him dammit! DAMN IT ALL!_ “Did he leave any contact information?”

“No. Just handed you the whole apartment. Said not to say anything about it, told me to say the original holder’s lease was up and now it belonged solely to you.”

“Oh…”

“So!” He clapped his hands. “Ready to sign those papers?”

“….No.”

“…I’m sorry?”

“I… just realized I have something very important to do.” He spun on his heel not looking at the landlord. “Another time!”

“W-wait we need this…ah damn.”

Zack ran down the streets pulling out his phone while trying to avoid other pedestrians as he opened Google Maps. “Fucking hurry the fuck up.” He muttered to his phone. There!

He ran into the building, his throat raw from breathing in the cold air and his sweat feeling like ice running down his neck.

“Welcome to C & R.” The woman behind the desk said. “How may I help you?”

“C-Contact Jumin Han for me.” Zack huffed as he leaned his hands against the receptionists desk.

She arched a brow. “I’m sorry. But no one is just allowed to walk in and demand to see the CE-“

“Then call his assistant Jaehee Kang!” Zack growled. “It’s an emergency.”

Slowly, while eyeing him like he was nothing but a waste of time, she picked up her phone and pressed  . “Yes…Ms. Kang… a—What’s your na— Hey!”

Zack pulled the phone away from her. “Jaehee! It’s me! No time, just let me see Jumin. I don’t care! Let me see him!”

**V^V^V^V^V**

Zack tapped his foot impatiently as the two security guards eyed him up and down ready to taser him at any given moment. Finally the elevator doors opened and Jaehee and Jumin walked out looking rather perplexed. “Zack.” Jumin walked up to him as he adjusted his cuff links. “What are you doing here?”

“Is there anything wrong?” Jaehee said as she pushed up her glasses.

Zack grabbed Jumin by the collar gritting his teeth. “You knew!” The security guards moved putting a hand to their holster. Quickly Jumin raised a hand to stop them. “You knew that he was home! Didn’t you!?” Zack barred his teeth.

“I assume,” Jumin said calmly, “that you mean V?” He glanced to his left as if thinking. “Yes. He was here this whole time. He was staying at my penthouse forget a place to sleep.”

“You let me suffer?! And he was here the whole time!?”

“Zack please.” Jaehee said, she looked shock to hear the news as well.

“Enough!” Zack let go of Jumin’s collar roughly, causing both men to stagger back. “You…Tch!” Zack kicked a chair. “Where is he now!?”

“I have no idea.”

“You do! Don’t you dare lie to me!”

“I really don’t, Zack. He left around three days ago. He said he was taking a flight out of country and he wouldn’t be back for about a month or more.”

“F-for five whole months…” Zack fought back the tears. “I waited for him everyday…and he was here… You and Seven…why were you sheltering him away from me!?”

“Because he asked us too.” Jumin said shortly. “He wanted us to promise not to say anything. You are not the only one who was suffering.”

“…”

Jumin sighed. “I really don’t have a clue where he is. I am sorry that we tricked you but…V is my best friend Zack. He wanted to think things through and I allowed him too. I should have pushed him to talk more but I didn’t. And I apologize.”

“I don’t need your half assed sympathy.” Zack scowled as he turned around. “Sorry to bother you.” He walked out the building clenching his fists. When he was finally far enough from the building he sat on the curb and brought his knees to his chest. “How could you…?” He didn’t know who he was referring to. Jumin, Luciel, V, or himself? He felt his shoulders tense. “All this would’ve been avoided if you just pretended nothing was there. You’re such a stupid idiot.” He mumbled. There was no point in it anymore. No point in searching if he didn’t even know where to start. He fished the photo out of his pocket. “You were there….why didn’t you talk to me?”

**V^V^V^V**

It was nearly four in the morning. By the time Zack had gotten home Dae was already asleep. Good. He didn’t want to give any sort of explanation on where he was. He sat on the edge of the bed looking at Dae’s sleeping body but not really _looking_ at him. He thought back to the first time they had sex. It was around the beginning of January, it had been Zack’s first time and it wasn’t really enjoyable. Dae didn’t hurt him or force him. It was like everything else. It was just happening and he could barely feel anything emotionally.  More than once did he have to stop himself from calling out V’s name.

He checked his watch. It was nearing five and he needed to get to the park. But maybe…maybe it would be best to just skip it. No. He had to go. It was the only place where he actually felt something. Slowly he stood up.

“Zack?” A quiet voice came from the bed. “You’re leaving again?”

“I need to go to the park.”

“Why?” The voice sounded sad.

“Because…I just do.”

“Is it to visit that man?”

Zack froze. “What man?”

There was a long silence. “I……followed you one day. I was nervous. I saw you sit by the lake and then a man watched you from afar. He had teal hair and was holding a camera.” Zack’s heart was quickening.  “So I went up to him thinking he was some pervert and told him to get away. That you were mine and all that. The man smiled and said to hold onto you. To never let go.”

Zack grabbed his phone and ran to the door.

“Zack wait!”

“I…I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry! I…”

“…I understand. I knew for a long time you weren’t happy to be with me.” The voice chuckled sadly. “…I do hope that…that he never let’s go of you. I should’ve listened to him. I wish I would’ve made you see me more.”

There was a small beat. A sort of silent confirmation that this had ended. With one last small ‘I’m sorry.’ Zack ran out of the apartment.

**^V^V^V^V^V**

_Please be there! Please be there!_ He ran towards the lake, dead leaves crunching underneath his shoes. As he reached the lakes shore he looked around. The sun was about to rise. He was here the same time as always. “V!” Zack yelled. “V! Where are you?!”

There was nothing but silence.

“Come out here! I know you’re here!!”

Again silence.

“Tch! Fine then!” He yelled. “You’ve left me no choice!” Zack pulled off his hoodie and kicked off his shoes. He went to the edge of the lake, his feet immediately freezing as the water gently lapped over his socks. He outstretched his arms and-

“Stop!”

Zack spun around. His breath caught in his throat. V ran up to him quickly and pulled Zack away from the lake. Without hesitation Zack wrapped his arms around him feeling an overwhelming pool of of joy erupt in his heart. “I-I missed you so much!” Zack stammered.

Slowly V raised his hands and stroked Zack’s hair. Yes…just like before. All those happy memories flooded into his mind. “….I did to.” V’s voice shook.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I am. I should’ve never left.”

“What made you come back?”

“You’re smile. You’re laughter. You’re joy. I hadn’t realized how much I enjoyed it.” V caressed Zack’s face making him look up at V. “How much I loved it.”

Loved…

He loved it.

“I want to be with you Zack. It may take me some time but I want to be with you….Do you…still want to be with me?”

Zack pulled V into a tight embrace. “I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I’m going to give my everything to make you want to stay with me. For good. So please…”

V put his arms around Zack. “You don’t have to do anything. Your presence is all that I need. Everything about you makes me want to stay and hold you.” They slightly pulled apart. Zack blushed as V’s bright eyes looked into his dark ones. He put his hands on Zack’s cheeks. “Here isn’t cold.”

“How could they be? I’m looking at the person I love.”

V smiled and slowly  leaned in, their lips brushed for only a second. With a low chuckle V pulled him in closer. A heat so inviting. So warm and calming welling up inside him. It was as if he were home. His grip tightened around Zack’s neck pulling him closer and tilting his head back more to deepen the kiss. A slow, sensual kiss. One that felt as if it were conveying all the feelings each shared for each other. As if this is where he was always meant to be. And he would never leave, no matter what.

_I will always love you._

_~End_

* * *

 

**I Want You To Know…That I Love You: Sneak Preview**

_Had I never met this man, I don’t know where I’d be_. V watched as Zack chopped up some onions. His eyes squeezing shut then opening as stinging tears ran down his face. V chuckled as he watched the man he was so infatuated with. _How strange,_ he thought to himself, _I didn’t think I would ever feel this way again._ A part of him was struggling. There were so many things that was wrong about this. V didn’t think he deserved to be happy and yet here he was feeling these intense emotions.

Every second he saw him he just wanted to touch him. It was as if he had touched him once and he didn’t want to stop. _Whoah. What am I thinking?_ V lightly shook his head as he continued to go through his old photo album. He smiled at the pictures Jumin had taken when they were kids. He squinted. What was that supposed to be? A bird? Or was it some sort of cat? Well, certainly his picture taking skills has improved quite well. V sniffed the air smelling something burning. He nearly jumped.

Zack was holding a lit match in-between his teeth and slowly the flame was crawling closer and closer to his lips. _What are you doing?!_ Before V could say anything Zack blew air out his nose and the flame disappeared. Smoke rose to his face and quickly he blinked away the tears.

“What was that?” V asked.

“Keeps the stinging out of my eyes. Though, you shouldn’t let the flame be on the match when you’re doing it. It should just be smoke.” He said with the match moving up and down as if it were talking to him.

V smiled. “You scared me.”

Zack chuckled as he turned his back and put the onions on the stove with a loud sizzling noise. The smell of spiced meat, steamed vegetables and fried potatoes rose into the air. Zack closed the lid and walked over to V. He sat down next to him and shyly reached out for his hand. V smiled and took it as they looked through the album together.

Yes, this was really, truly, happiness.

If only I could say to him that … _I love him_.


End file.
